even my farts smell like vagina
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
