i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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