Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
