Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
