I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
