I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize