I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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