saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
