Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
