$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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