someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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