not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize