its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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