I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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