I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
