She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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