my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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