It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
