then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
im holly from the hills drunk
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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