LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
