I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I could fuck to npr.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
