You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
