your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
