I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Is it penis luge time yet?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
