I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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