went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
