Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
third nipple confirmed
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
