If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
