I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You were trust falling into bushes
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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