You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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