You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
