Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
