I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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