if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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