I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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