I looked at my own cervix.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
