Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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