I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
