true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
