There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
