My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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