How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
