Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
