he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
