the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wish you could order shots online.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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