He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
