I want to stick my p in your. b.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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