it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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