i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
