They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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