also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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