We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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