Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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