I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Two words: blizzard sex
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
