I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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