Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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