just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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