Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
