i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
