I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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