Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
