Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
