we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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